I am a big, big fan of regular massage. And not fancy spa massage with tinkling windpipe music in the background and aromatherapy steam filling the room. I’m talking extra-deep pressure, athletic massage, targeted to the focus of my current training and the needs of my recovery. For the last three years, it’s kept my body in tip-top shape, and yes, it’s also a nice hour to spend being present in a relaxing space.
But, as is the case with plenty of other humans in a fast-paced, no rest for anyone, ever, and isn’t-that-nice-for-you world, it’s sometimes hard to give myself permission to get my massage. Some months, I skip it or reschedule over and over again. It feels a little indulgent, even though it’s about maintenance and making appropriate and kind decisions for my body and mind. It’s a vital piece of my self-care puzzle.
Still, sometimes, I have to fight myself for it. The best way I found to make sure I was sticking with my practice was to sign up for a monthly membership at my favorite local studio, Somatic Sole Barefoot Massage. (Tell them I sent you. You’re welcome.) I’m locked in for a year, and I’m certainly not going to waste what I pay for ahead of time. We talk a lot about needing accountability, and that contract is mine.
Or rather, that’s how it started out.
Over the years, incorporating this important bit of regular self-care has become a non-negotiable. I see its value, without having to attach that to a financial commitment. It’s not a should or an obligation to use-it-or-lose-it. It’s become valuable on its own, with the commitment being to myself.
Over time, the motivation for practice and care has shifted from external to internal.
When it comes to anything that can be outwardly perceived as selfish or indulgent or extra, there is often a pressure to downplay or avoid or do those things only rarely.
No matter how beneficial they are to your needs, or to your care, it’s first response to make excuses for why you’re doing them. Double that response if it’s something you’re doing simply because you enjoy it, or it feels good. Naturally, when pressure is the prevailing feeling, when it inspires guilt anytime you schedule your massage, or heaven forbid – tell someone you’re getting one – it becomes even more challenging to develop it into a practice.
I recently experienced a direct example of how this plays out when I mentioned to one of the owners at my co-working space that I was off to get my massage. He instantly lit up and said, “Oh wow, that’s so cool you do that!” He then proceeded to tell me about how he used to get regular acupuncture every week on Fridays, that it was such a great, relaxing way to end his week. It was something he enjoyed, and it really helped him in a lot of ways, physically and mentally.
Y’know, #selfcare and stuff.
I asked him why he stopped and as expected, he shrugged. “Eh,” he said, “it was when we had our first baby and it was such a stressful time and we were both so tired all the time, and it just seemed like a good time to be able to get away and do that. Now, everything is just life and I don’t feel like I have that excuse anymore. But really, I should get back into going regularly…”
I suspected he might express something along those lines, so I smiled and said:
“You know, you don’t need an excuse for self-care. “
He sighed a little and said, “Yeah, you’re totally right. I think I’m going to start going to acupuncture again.”
Of course I’m right (I JOKE!), so I will say the same thing to you:
You do not need to justify caring for yourself.
No matter the time required, no matter what your life looks like, no matter how much it costs, how indulgent or selfish it may seem to someone else, you are allowed to practice caring for yourself.
You have permission to do things you enjoy that enrich your life and have inherent value for you and how you feel.
But, I get that it’s not always that simple. Every Instagram personality out there is telling you you have permission for self-care. That doesn’t take away or help address the fact that it’s often difficult to do in real-time, in real life.
So how do you actually make this happen?
Notice, I mentioned practice. I also mentioned motivation and shifting its source. These are the keys to making self-care easier in real-time, in real life.
Adjusting your mindset slightly about the basic entry point of developing a practice is your very first step. We’re so conditioned to believe that we have to be good at absolutely everything immediately, it feels like you’re already starting off as a failure to admit that you have to practice something in the first place – especially something that’s supposed to be good for you.
However, I don’t think I have to remind you (though I will, obviously), that the only way you get good at absolutely anything is to start from zero and practice. I’ll also remind you that even the best of the best in any professional field, in any personal field, never. stop. practicing. Ever! They’ll tell you so – go do some Googling.
They might also tell you that they initially started off in a similar fashion to how I did with developing my massage routine – they began with an external motivation and source of accountability. Even if it is something that’s supposed to be good for you, you still might need that nudge. Something external could be a totally great way to walk your way in, to start to soften your resistance to the idea of practice.
Practice can mean a lot of things, so again, tweak your mindset and give yourself a baseline of what a self-care practice could look like for you. Start with whatever feels like you don’t really even need permission for, and build from there. Or consider the lowest stakes ask you can make of your schedule, your family, your job, your energy.
Maybe it’s a fitness challenge of some sort. It could be pre-paying for visits up front that you have to use or lose. It could be joining some sort of community or group that’s working on the same thing. You might join a club that meets regularly, like a book club or volleyball team. It could be committing to a membership, like I did. It’s perfectly fine to start a practice with support. It’s normal, and it helps.
But since we’re talking about self-care, there comes a point when it also helps to turn inward. You may start your practice with external motivation, but in order to incorporate it on an ongoing basis, you’ll need to cultivate internal motivation. It has to matter more than the money you’ll lose.
What does this care mean to you? Why is it important? How does it help? What’s the point?
Self-care is no different than any other wellness-centric thing in that it can move dangerously close to should territory, and quickly. In order for it to not do that, and to escape the jumble of the guilty feelings and allow space for your practice, you have to reflect on its internal value to you and you alone.
Basically, figure out why you care about caring.
What makes this form of care meaningful for you? What and how does it contribute to things you’re doing or wanting to do? How does it make you feel in your life? Is that worthwhile? How does it make you feel when you don’t do it?
That last one can often be the most enlightening. Sometimes, we fluff up those first answers, or we don’t really feel them enough for them to generate internal motivation. But when you take the time and energy to reflect on how you feel when you neglect caring for yourself, even in little ways, that can provide some startling but firm evidence that this is not optional for you.
In general, I’m not a huge fan of if/then thinking, but flip it in this instance and think: if I’m not giving myself permission to practice caring for myself solely because it’s meaningful for me and makes me feel good, then I cannot do the things I want to do and be the person I want to be.
As a rough example, if I don’t get my monthly massage, then I can’t lift weights and run and cycle without pain. That has nothing to do with wanting to get my money’s worth out of a monthly massage. It has to do with what matters to me (doing fitness in the way that feels good and fun for me), and being able to do it without limitation.
Another rough example could be something like, if I don’t get ten minutes in the morning to meditate and journal away from my family, then I can’t get my kids off to school without raising my voice at them. Again, that has nothing to do with being selfish or silly or rude. It has to do with what matters to you (being present for your kids in a positive way), and being able to do it without frustration.
One more – if I don’t get out of my office once a day, then my anxiety increases and my mood decreases, which sometimes leads to a deeper depression. That has nothing to do with blowing off meetings or being a weird hippie millennial. It has to do with what matters to you (managing your mental health!), and being able to do that without disruption or breakdown.
I know it’s hard to admit we have needs, to really get in touch with them, to say them out loud, and to actually attend to them repeatedly – without guilt or self-reproach. But listen, if we have to do that “no excuses” thing, let it apply to this (and only this, really).
To go back to the initial and final point of this conversation: self-care doesn’t need an excuse.
And when you really focus on that figuring out that self piece? You’ll find it truly never will again.
I know one little article isn’t necessarily enough to drive this point home. So, if movement is a form of self-care for you, and you’re struggling to figure out how give yourself permission for it, check out Fitness Unraveled. We’re going to walk through this whole process of understanding and cultivating internal motivation, and truly, it’s life changing. Get on the waitlist here.
