Are you forcing it?

intuition | kourtney thomas

I recently wrote an Instagram post about following – or rather, not following – my intuition. Since I’ve gotten that out of my head and into the world, it’s been all I can pay attention to, and I am not mad about it.

I wrote about how I generally have excellent intuition, but that I’ve been ignoring it for the past couple of month. Like a freaking dumbass. Basically, I spent a few months wallowing around in my thoughts, doubting myself and my abilities, and not trusting myself to make any decisions about anything at all.

You can imagine it turned out to be a rough go.

And it was. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve felt awesome and happy and not stressed at all in the last little bit. I also won’t ignore the great things in my life that helped me to make it from day to day (husband, cat, InstaCats, gym). But a perfect storm of circumstances and feelings really had me questioning everything.

Have you ever felt that way?

I believe in life seasons, and I certainly believe that everything we go through is a growth experience. I also believe that we can make it through and look back and learn a lot about ourselves. It’s too hard in the moment to see what’s going on, but eventually, the clouds part, and we can finally see the forest for the trees. (Thanks, Allegra, for that.)

Most of what I’ve been struggling to gain perspective around is my work. What started off as one thing has evolved into another. It’s something I’ve felt deep in my heart and my gut for a while now, but for whatever reason, wasn’t allowing myself to accept and move forward with. I was fighting myself at every turn. “But! But! But!” became a regular part of my vocabulary and response in conversation. “What if?” and “I should” were frequent visitors as well.

When I finally brought some new eyes into the picture, everything shifted. The clouds did indeed part. And I figured out two things:

1. I knew all of it, all along. Duh. And I was actually super clear on every bit of everything.

2. It all came back to fear.

The first point is the intuition point. That’s the point about knowing exactly what I want and don’t want for myself, but letting other factors complicate the picture. Getting lost. Fighting my initial responses and feelings, making excuses around them. And trying to force things to make up for it, along with not trusting my gut. Not a good recipe. At all.

I know exactly what happens for me when I try to force stuff. Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing good. A whole lot of nothing. So, that’s what happened for a few months straight: nothing, but forcing myself into feelings, places, boxes I didn’t want to be in to absolutely no avail. Still, it wasn’t easy to pull out of on my own.

Because, point number two. I’ve been so fucking afraid of so many things. I’ve been so afraid of this shift, this evolution, this transition. What if it’s not the right move? What if people won’t like it? Won’t buy it? What’s the point? Shouldn’t I just keep fitnessing? So many people are doing it better than me. It’s all the same. What could I possibly have to offer over anyone else? I think it’s great, but who else would care?

Fear. Fear, fear, scaredy pants, fear.

And none of that is real. Those are thoughts that I let go way too far and get the best of me. Those are superfluous questions that are not productive to the conversations I want to be having, with myself and others. Those are all about avoidance. They stole my joy and excitement, and above all, the two full pages of fears that I wrote out can all be addressed and figured out. Period.

I’m slowly regaining my ability to discern my real thoughts, reactions, and subsequent actions or lack thereof. The wall is coming down, the lights are back on, the flow is flowing. I close my eyes, and I feel it in my belly.

I know what I’m doing. And it’s good.

And, my morning tarot card pulls are confirming that without fail, every single day. That’s a sign that shows I’m realigning with my intuition and my place in the Universe. Regardless of whether you believe in any of that, you’ve got something in your world that gives you signs that you know. And it’s all about opening yourself back up to those signs. Allowing. Observing. Trusting. Knowing, and dammit, believing.

I’m going to talk a little more next time about my experience in how I went about re-tuning and honing my intuition. And I’m also going to talk a bit more about how I’ve gone about the fear section too. I think you’ll be into it. In the meantime, feel free to comment below and let me know how this is hitting you. Are you feeling forced or scared anywhere right now?

To your knowing.

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